I can't.

Fuck. Fuck you. I can't feel guilty for this. I don't want to be with you. But I can't stop hanging out with you. I haven't kissed you for a reason I haven't even tried. But you don't seem to understand that. I'm not physically attracted to you. I like your brain. But we've both been through too much. I can't sit here and not think about it. But in the morning, you're not the first person I think about. Nor the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I think about my day. I think about whom I would like to be. I think about my next meal. I think of my financial issues. I think of my language issues. But not you. Never you. I can't really apologize for that. Nor will I try to. Because you're not the one that I want. You're not remotely close to her. No one is but her. But she's not a possibility for me. She's not even gay. So when you sit across from me giving me the look the last two did... It doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy like theirs did. It doesn't make me feel anything. And when I think of telling you this... The only thing I worry about is losing a good friend. So I'm sorry that you think this is something it isn't. Because it isn't. This is me being a friend. I flirt... A lot. I always have. I didn't even realize it for the longest time. But if I thought about you in anyway but a friend, I would tell you. I'm that sort of person. So if somehow by chance you stumble upon this... Know that I'm not leading you on. I know who I want. I just don't know how to find her. And I know that you are not her. You're you.

Update.

Several years have passed since my last post. Much has gone on in my life, but I'm sure that I can't remember every little detail. I'll start with the basics and go from there. First and foremost I graduated from OU with a bachelors in International Relations and a minor in English. I was pursuing Political a science but I decided to save that for another day. Almost immediately after graduation, I decided to enlist in the Navy. I am currently attending my A school trying to get rate qualified. I feel much more grown up now. I live in a different state, speak to different friends, and I've had relationship that have changed my views on life. Hopefully I'll be able to depict them on here. Til next time...

Random Love Rant

I hate this. I hate these feelings that I always end up having for the wrong people. Why do I always choose the wrong ones. From the emotionally unavailable to the completely uninterested ones. I really need to get my act together and find the ones that like me for me. Not the ones who don't even know that I exist.

Sorry for the random rant but I felt that it was needed. That's just how I feel at the moment. No idea whether that will change anytime soon or not. I really do want to tell everyone everything about me but I can't. In the past year I have been depressed several times over bullshit drama that I have control over. Maybe it's time that I take my life by the horns and control where I am going and who is going to be beside me when that all goes down. The sad thing is that I know who I want to be sitting there right there next to me, I just don't think its possible for them to feel the same way. Maybe it's because they are in no way attracted to me, but that's just speculation.

I am beginning to think that my love life is a big fucking joke to everyone involved. It doesn't matter who is in it whether it be me or actually someone in it, it is still a big joke. I just want to be able to find someone that loves me for me and doesn't care about my flaws, or background, or personality. I want them to love me for me. At this point in my life I just don't think I'll ever find someone like that.

To most people I am an outgoing, fun, popular person who is involved in everything and is loved by everyone. I just want to walk over and shake them and tell them the truth. The truth is that I probably have one or two reals friends in college. Friends that actually know where I came from and why I am a better person for living the life that I have led so far. I want people to ask me questions instead of talk behind my back about me. As soon as that starts to happen, no one will actually "know" me.

Another random rant will be coming very soon. I have quite a few of them in me. Granted no one actually reads these, but it feels good to get them out.

Fashion

Well the title is fashion.
That is exactly what this is going to be about. We all have our favorite brands.. be it American Eagle or Gucci, most of us love them all. You can have the occasional person that doesn't feel like it should matter, but we typically call them hippies or goths. Me, I have my own favorites. I also have a best friend that loves fashion so much that he majors in it in college. He gives me all the ins and outs of what I should and shouldn't be wearing. Right now according to him I should be wearing plaid... everything should be plaid, even though he hates it. I love it, but I also have my own style that doesn't always go with what I see in magazines.

That thought right there is going to bring me to my actual subject of the day. Why is it that we put so much into our appearances, instead of our character. Why do we idolize the most beautiful women, instead of looking in the mirror and believing that about ourselves? Why do we put so much money into looking beautiful or expensive instead of feeling beautiful naturally? Why do we need to be wearing McQueen, or Armani, or something like that?

The one thing that I want is for women and men to believe that they are beautiful inside and not see that with all the expensive jewelry and clothes. I want young men and women to look into a magazine and see an activist with a good cause instead of a fashonista telling them what to wear and how to act. I want people all over to see that there is more to life that clothes and accessories. I want people to reach on the inside and find their true and raw talent, rather that create an unbelievable debt to some famous clothing store.

Rant Over.

I'M BACK WITH A VENGENCE

I gave up on this thing a while ago. But now I am back and better than ever. I am finally over her. She no longer rules my every though, dream, or moment in my life. The sad thing is that I was severely depressed over her. I couldn't have her so she was all I thought about. I was torturing myself by trying to be around her as much as possible.

She recently broke up with her boyfriend and she was absolutely heartbroken. I was out of town when it happened, but I realized that I was not insanely happy when I heard the news. In fact I felt for her and was saddened by the news because I new just how in love she was with him. That's when I realized that I was moving on. That's when I learned that my feelings had changed.

I began noticing little flaws that we starting to annoy me rather than me finding them adorable. From certain things she said to the way she did things. After a while the "crush" I had had basically gone away. I am happy that I am, now I can ficus on other things including someone new!

Instead of seeing little things I wanna buy for her, I am gonna start saving up for a few vacations. Now that I have a job, I will be able to afford to go back to the Bahamas with my mother, and Puerto Rico with a friend.

In other news I will be moving into my dorm room next week. I am excited to see everyone at school again, and also to see the new rooms. I am pumped.

Til tomorrow...

Life

So basically life has gotten in the way of my blog and it kinda makes me angry. I haven't had time to do anything really. I was hoping to blog about once every other day, but isn't working out in my favor. I end up doing it randomly and sporadically. I am going to be managing another blog about a road trip I will be participating in this weekend. It will be sporty and a lot of fun. Hopefully people will take the time to read it.

Whats up with me you ask. Well I have been slowly working my way up in the social aspect at my school and trying to go to things that will help me find a summer job that pays a little more than I would be getting back home. I am also going to business etiquette dinners and such to show potential employers that I am a worthy cause. Other than that I haven't done much other than homework and studying.

til next time... Peace

Well another week has gone by in school. As a college student I look forward to the weekend as much as a high school student. This week was quite hectic, so I didn't get to write as much as I wanted to. The newest Student Organization had that I joined has its first big recruitment push. It went extremely well. We ended up doubling the members that we already had. The Student Alumni Association is well on its way to becoming a very powerful organization on campus.

I also had an RHA meeting that went very well. It went off without a hitch and I feel the members had a very fun time and maybe this will keep our numbers up at every meeting. The Director of housing was there and he seemed very pleased.

I also play in a couple soccer leagues. this week I had a grand total of 3 games. Going from no games to 3 in one week has basically put my body through hell. Its fun but at the same time I feel like death is constantly around the corner.

A buddy of mine also has a blog and had me thinking about my own personal happiness. right now with all the student organizations and sports and classes that I currently have I feel a bit stretched, but at the same time I feel great. I love constantly having something to do, or play. I love having programs and meeting to go to. I love feeling important on campus and with the 3 main organizations I am in I feel just that. I LOVE IT.

Til Next Time.