I can't.

Fuck. Fuck you. I can't feel guilty for this. I don't want to be with you. But I can't stop hanging out with you. I haven't kissed you for a reason I haven't even tried. But you don't seem to understand that. I'm not physically attracted to you. I like your brain. But we've both been through too much. I can't sit here and not think about it. But in the morning, you're not the first person I think about. Nor the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I think about my day. I think about whom I would like to be. I think about my next meal. I think of my financial issues. I think of my language issues. But not you. Never you. I can't really apologize for that. Nor will I try to. Because you're not the one that I want. You're not remotely close to her. No one is but her. But she's not a possibility for me. She's not even gay. So when you sit across from me giving me the look the last two did... It doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy like theirs did. It doesn't make me feel anything. And when I think of telling you this... The only thing I worry about is losing a good friend. So I'm sorry that you think this is something it isn't. Because it isn't. This is me being a friend. I flirt... A lot. I always have. I didn't even realize it for the longest time. But if I thought about you in anyway but a friend, I would tell you. I'm that sort of person. So if somehow by chance you stumble upon this... Know that I'm not leading you on. I know who I want. I just don't know how to find her. And I know that you are not her. You're you.

Update.

Several years have passed since my last post. Much has gone on in my life, but I'm sure that I can't remember every little detail. I'll start with the basics and go from there. First and foremost I graduated from OU with a bachelors in International Relations and a minor in English. I was pursuing Political a science but I decided to save that for another day. Almost immediately after graduation, I decided to enlist in the Navy. I am currently attending my A school trying to get rate qualified. I feel much more grown up now. I live in a different state, speak to different friends, and I've had relationship that have changed my views on life. Hopefully I'll be able to depict them on here. Til next time...